I crave the security in keeping busy.
I crave the control over having a ‘to do’ list and checking off each thing.
I crave the daylight.
I crave noise.

When the silence hits,
when the sun begins to set,
the fear kicks in.
There is nothing left on my ‘to do’ list,
the noise is slowly fading away.

Night.
The dark mass that has decided to follow me,
settles in.
He knows that I have nothing left to distract me.

And I get scared.
And I make my husband keep the lights on.
And I keep music on.
And I tell him to not make me go to bed.
And I tell him to tell me stories when I finally do lay down.
And I lie there,
for hours,
wishing the sun would just rise.
I am on so many medications right now that I stay up thinking
that…